When I became a widower, I was hopelessly lost. My senses went into overdrive and my feelings were so intense and alien to me, I was in a complete state pf panic and a total fog. It felt like I was in a freefall. It was as if the rug that I had been walking on all of my life had suddenly and dramatically been pulled out from beneath my feet and there was no floor underneath me. The sensation of falling into an abyss had never been more acute. The saving grace were the friends and family that showed...
I had prepared a different post to publish today (not this one), but I changed my mind. Instead, I felt compelled to write about how it feels to arrive at the 18-month mark since Suzanne died. On my personal Facebook page, the memory of what I wrote 1-year ago came up and I posted it—it was from when I was “6-months out.” In that post at 6-months, I said this: Six months. Six months since I last kissed you and you knew I was there. Six months since I had my hand on your heart as it beat for the...
Among the many things I have been told since Suzanne died was that I should not try to distract myself from the grief. No matter what the form, a distraction (from what I can gather) is anything I do that stops me from thinking about Suzanne’s death and my love for her while I am in the process of thinking about it (and feeling sad, upset, angry, etc.). What I find is that it’s nearly impossible not to get distracted by something. Children, work, TV, walking, doing anything… Pretty much whatever one may do after our person dies will be...
As our grief and the way we live our lives change over time after the death of a spouse, it’s hard to grasp the fact that we, too, are changing. Sometimes dramatically. Trauma, PTSD, fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, remorse, survivor’s syndrome, all are common side effects of loving and losing someone who was meant to be your partner for life. When Suzanne died, I think I experienced them all. In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure what I went through in the days, weeks, months and year after she died. It was pretty foggy and widow brain (it’s a...
January 24 will mark my dad’s 7-year deathaversary. It’s significant for a couple of reasons. First, I never really understood why my mom was so different after my dad died. She mellowed. She changed. She was comfortable being alone even though she and my dad had been married for nearly 50-years. Second, my mom also started to wear a gold chain with my dad’s wedding ring on it. I noticed she had put it on there immediately after he died, but never really thought about its significance. When Suzanne died, it was a t 1:13 AM Sunday morning August 19,...
This is going to be long. I agonized for the last 24-hours (plus) about whether to make this more than one post. I also could not decided on a title… so the others I was thinking about will become different posts in future (now that I wrote them all down and finally settled on “letting go” for this one). So, here goes (and you may want to grab a coffee, tea, your favorite tipple… and a tissue if you’re that way inclined—I personally used several while I was writing it). Many of my friends will note that I often “preach”...
January 1, 2020 was a milestone. I didn’t mention it to anyone. I never said a word. 500 days. Over the last 500 (now 508) days, I have written a lot of words about my grief, the unending sense of loss, the brutal physical and emotional pain, the heartache and the heartbreak, the deep-rooted trauma and post-traumatic stress, as well as many other things related to how I have been since becoming a widower. And my experience is not as unique as some may think. Those who knew me before all this, know how much I adored Suzanne. She was...
What is fear? Why do we sense it and why do we succumb to it? What are we truly afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen if we take the risk, make the call, change the story? Death. That’s ultimately what we all fear and are most afraid of. The second biggest fear I think we have is living. Not just living a life, but living a life of loneliness. Another is fear of failure, but I’m not going to address that here. It’s irrelevant to me… Fear of death holds us all back. It stops us in our...
My Immortal This amazing song is on my “Suzi Playlist”, and it’s hitting me hard right now… After long conversations with some of my fellow widows today, I’m really hurting for them. It breaks my heart to hear their stories. It hurts me so much to know they can’t/don’t want to share their story with others because of the pain it might cause others. That’s not right. And it’s certainly not fair. Still I hold space and offer unconditional love to them. And I get it people. We don’t like to talk about death and dying. Death is inevitable. It will...
